The Spoils of Success

Dear Mom,

It’s been a long, hard road, but I’ve officially “arrived.” You always told me that if I worked hard and paid my dues, it would all pay off one day. Were you ever right on the money! You wouldn’t believe where they’re putting me up in San Francisco. It’s called the Cathedral Hill Hotel. Sounds pretty classy, right? Well, see for yourself. The room even comes with a bed.

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Of course, it’s climate controlled (as befits a businessman of my caliber).

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All modern amenities included. I didn’t even have to bring my own soap! Plus, they fold the towels all fancy-like. C’est chic!

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And you’ll never believe this. Turns out this room is really more of a “suite.” I’ve got my own conference room, where I can take calls, blow dry my hair, and wipe my ass from both sides. Oops! The phone’s ringing now. Good thing I’ve got ample toilet paper over here on my left… “Hello?”

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They also have state-of-the-art entertainment. You won’t have to worry about me watching any “adult movies” on this trip, because I’ll be busy playing Super Mario Brothers!

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Sometimes at the end of a long day at work, you want to come back to your room and collapse into a slightly askew sitting chair. Ahhh… the executive life!

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And get a load of this! This room’s like  a technological fortune cookie, because they’ve got the internet… in bed! What a time to be alive!

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Well, I really should get going now. I’ve got a cityscape view and a couple of deck chairs that beckon. I think I’ll have some Cubans sent up to celebrate my newfound status as a Titan of business.

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Love, Ben

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4 Responses to The Spoils of Success

  1. Green Olive says:

    Ya big baby. You’re only like a mile away from the In ‘N Out Burger.

  2. m@ says:

    You forgot to check out the art! I think it’s a Renoir.

  3. Pingback: Sad, Shocking News « Chicken Fried Everything

  4. munkee says:


    This post and this post alone makes me angry that I have not been reading your blog more frequently sir. I will not repeat this mistake going forward. Chicken fry everything!

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